i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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