My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
