Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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