Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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