oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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