Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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