i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
