as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I did not marry a roomba.
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