the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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