i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize