I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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