On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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