I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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