we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
