Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
