we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
