I think I died a long time ago.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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