Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
