oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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