it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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