Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
