At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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