I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
