i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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