The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
