I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
