I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
