I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
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