Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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