failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
