Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
His nipple licking is glorious
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