I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
im six kinds of drunk right now
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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