This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
