It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
