My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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