3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I checked into jail on foursquare
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
