Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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