Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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