never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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