I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
