If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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