I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize