life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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