I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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