Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
