paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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