I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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