I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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