Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize