true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
