i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
