I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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