I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
