It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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