Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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