It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize