She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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