have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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