Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
