I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
