I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
