just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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