I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
